A Little Introspection

     I have a few things I'm trying to work through currently.  I know I have come so much further than I was before.  I am still having a challenge with certain aspects of healthy living.  At the foundation of my health/fitness journey, I feel like I am struggling with my "why." Meaning why it is important to me, and why I keep going. I am not yet at a point where I just love working out. It still hasn't clicked for me on a consistent basis.
     I completed the 12 week transformation challenge and did well, and feel like there are some great habits that I'm continuing to build on. I enjoy the DDP Yoga DVDs that I'm doing, yet in order to get further results I feel I will need to do more. Where I struggle is that it seems the fit body & healthy me hasn't been enough to motivate and excite me to do what I need to do each day.
     My husband and I were talking about it at length today, and I realized that one of the few time periods in my life that I didn't feel out of place in the gym was when I was doing karate. I was motivated at the gym because anything I was doing was helping to strengthen me for my karate classes. Our tight budget, which hopefully will ease up soon, was the main reason for dropping karate (I also paused when I had Chickpea, who is 11 months now). 

 
      Another piece of the puzzle is that in general I feel like the active, fit person who loves to workout is still aspirational for me currently. In a way, anytime I go to the gym, I feel out of place. It's almost like I feel as though I'm pretending. I can have a workout plan and everything written down to follow, and while doing it at the gym I feel awkward. I have only been working out from home since Chickpea was born, and I know that if I got someone to watch him so that I could go to the gym I would have to face that awkwardness.
     All these thoughts have me asking questions of others that are also working on their fitness journey.  The questions I asked them are:  Is it possible that the love of working out will never click, and it is something that I will always be forcing myself to do? When did it click for you? Did you have to find a passion?
      At the end of it all, I really do want to find a way to just enjoy working out. I want it to be a part of who I am. I currently feel like I'm a little kid playing dress up. It's something I'm playing at, but in reality it is not me. I want to be consistent, because I know that when I have fallen off course it really dings my self-confidence.
     I will continue to explore this, and plan to write more about it after getting feedback from others on it.  If you have feedback or thoughts you'd like to share on this topic, I'd love to hear it!

All the best,
OkieGal

Winds of Change

     Today I have felt a change, a true change.  It's not the physical challenge that has been the most difficult, it has been a mental battle for me to take on this 12-week transformation challenge.  Today I have finally truly felt something that my husband has said he has for a long time.  I'll explain.
     It was my planned treat meal today.  My husband, Chickpea, and I had gone to the store, and then went to go grab something to eat.  The choice of meal and dessert that I made were both things that I have had before.  In fact, they were both places I had eaten as treats in the early weeks of this challenge.
     The first major difference I found, my body did not react well to the food this time.  Without going into too much detail, I had to leave Chickpea in a safe place on two different occasions this evening as once I threw up and the other time was other bathroom issues.  Not fun at all.  What it made me realize though is that I have made progress with my nutrition.  My body no longer handles well what used to be no problem.  Too much grease, and too much sweet is just more than it can take.  That is a good thing!  I am training my body to eat even better, which will help me to reach my goals even more!
     The second difference is quite a change for me.  I am actually bummed that my stomach is still so out of sorts that I can't do my planned workout this evening.  Let me say that again, I actually for the first time EVER am sad that I can't complete my workout!  That, my friends, is huge for me!  Hubby would tell me that he hates to miss his workout, and I just never understood.  Here I am with a bright, shining light bulb above my head because I finally get it.  If nothing else is, that is a sign of progress.

     Does this mean I'll never struggle with wanting to do a workout again?  No.  There will always be days that I am challenged.  Rising above that challenge more often than not is what will give me progress.  I leave you with a song that inspires me in many aspects of my life.  Take a listen and read the lyrics below.

All the best,
OkieGal

Alter Bridge "Before Tomorrow Comes" Lyrics:

I couldn't sleep I had to listen
To a conscience knowing so well
That nothing comes from indifference
I look inside of myself

Will I find some kind of conviction?
Will I bid the hero farewell?
Will I be defined by things that could have been?
I guess time will only tell
I guess time will only tell

[Chorus:]
So don't let it be
Before tomorrow comes
Before you turn away
Take the hand in need
Before tomorrow comes
You could change everything

I curse my worth and every comfort
That blinded me for way too long
Damn it all I'll make a difference from now on
Cause I'm wide awake to it all
Cause I'm wide awake to it all

[Chorus]

Does anyone care it ain't right what we're doing?
Does anyone care it ain't right where we're going?
Does anyone dare justify how we're living?
Does anyone here care at all?

[Chorus]

We could be so much more than we are
We could be so much more than we are
We could be so much more than we are
Oh this much I know

Trick & Treat

     It's always interesting to me how out of the ashes of an unfortunate situation, surprisingly great things happen.  I'll start from the beginning to give an idea of what I mean.  Today was a little rocky to begin with.  Chickpea was unexpectedly risen from sleep about an hour before his normal time.  This normally wouldn't be too bad, but I had been up until about 2am with tummy issues.  Through the course of the day, Chickpea had a few issues of his own.  Overall the day was pretty normal though.
     Yesterday I had a trunk or treat event at work that I took Chickpea to, and decided to swing by Bass Pro Shops on the way home since they were doing pictures.  He was already in costume, and I was going to take every opportunity to let him wear it!  I learned while there that they would be having an in store trick or treat event, and a costume parade on Halloween.  So today, I dressed him back up, and took him over there.
     We enjoyed the time there, and it was getting closer to Chickpea's dinner and bed time routine.  I loaded him up with enough time to grab a coffee treat using the rest of a Starbuck's gift card I had, and also swing by Chick-fil-a for a bite. 
     On my way home I noticed that there was smoke/steam coming from the front of the Jeep.  You don't have to be a grease monkey to know that this is not a good thing.  After the light turned green, I got over into a parking lot nearby to assess my situation.  The engine was running a bit warm.  So, after consulting with the hubby, I let it cool down.  My next task was to limp it just a bit further down the road to the QuikTrip to get water and put it in.

     Doing this sort of thing on your own is not a huge deal.  Doing this sort of thing on your own with an 8 month old in tow is not as easy.  I swear that when a mom hears their baby cry, it is like an epic brain scrambler.  Someone could play it over a loud speaker in some sort of warfare tactic to render her useless.  I got the water in the Jeep, and a nice man stopped by to help me get the hood back down (if you've ever lifted and lowered the hood on a Jeep, you know this was a welcomed offer).
     The gauges showed the engine was back in normal range, so I put on the hazard lights to limp it the 2 miles back home.  Long story short, I get within a half mile from the house and it is done.  Smoking/steaming again and just won't go anymore.  Here I am with Chickpea, parked on the side of the road.  Of course it is 34 degrees outside, and hubby is occupied with a ride-a-long for his EMT course over 25 minutes away.  Chickpea is no longer amused by being out and about, he is tired, cranky and screaming.  I am waiting on the engine to cool down again so that I can try to limp it the short way home. 
     My husband was within 20 minutes of being to our location when flashing lights showed up behind me.  My first thought was a police officer was checking on us, but it turned out to be a tow truck driver.  He was on his way to a call when he passed me going the other direction.  That call got cancelled, so he turned around to check on the vehicle.  When he came up, he didn't expect to find me and the baby there.  He offered to let us wait on hubby in the warmth of the truck.  I told him we lived just around the corner, and asked if he could tow it.  He said sure, and loaded us up.  The guy was so nice, and he was saying that the previous call was meant to be cancelled so that he could be available to help us.  I think he felt bad that I was stranded out in the cold with the baby.
     He unloads the Jeep in the driveway, and helps me get Chickpea out of the tow truck and he carries him in the car seat up to the door.  I then asked him how much I owe him, fearing the hefty tow bill that usually accompanies these things.  He looked at me and told me not to worry about it.  I stood there in disbelief, and asked him "are you sure?"  He said that he was, and told me to have a great night. 
     There you have it, the treat from my Halloween evening.  I thanked him when he told me this, and I thank him again here.  I appreciate you helping Chickpea & I out.  You brought light into an evening that was ending with frustrated thoughts of the repairs and associated bills with the Jeep situation.  My way of showing my appreciation to you for helping me out in a pinch, is to find the opportunity to do the same for someone else.  Thank you for the bright spot in a frustrating evening!
    
All the best,
OkieGal 

I Don't Wear Pink

     It's not that I have anything against the color pink, it just has never been my color.  I own a few outfits that have pink in them, and even have a pink dress.  Today I wear pink.  I dug and found the one shirt I have, and I wore it and a smile for someone very dear to me.

     I can't say that I know where this post will go.  I know that I need to write something, and I will do my best for it all to make sense in the end.  Thanks in advance for hanging with me on this one.
     Several years ago, I joined a website called Policewives.org.  At the time my husband had been in law enforcement for over a year.  I was feeling in need of somewhere to go to talk to others that understood what it meant to be the wife to someone in law enforcement.  Through that site I was put in contact with many wonderful women.  Women that came together because of a mutual understanding of the LEO life, and then became bonded together, forever sisters. 
     Over the years I have had the opportunity to meet several of these women in person.  It's one of these women that I'd like to write about now.  Her name is Jessie.  We mostly interacted through the PW website and on Facebook, writing posts here and there. 
     In the last several years, fortunately for me, travel for work began taking me repeatedly out to California.  In May of 2011, I was out there for a conference, and got the idea to see if Jessie wanted to meet.  She was so excited!  Jessie and her husband picked me up from the airport and took me to my hotel where we sat in the lobby and talked like we'd known each other all our lives.  I don't remember how long we sat there, the time flew by.  We laughed a lot, and had a wonderful time chatting.
     Fall 2011 was the next time I went to California, and I was a short flight away from them.  I asked Jessie if it would be okay for me to visit them for a few days after my conference.  She was more than happy to have me.  We planned to go to Reno for a trip to the air races with her brother and husband along too.  She took me to her favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch and we talked.  We laughed and had a wonderful time.  I got to meet her mother, and enjoyed the time the three of us chatted.  That evening, before it was time to drive to Reno, we learned that a horrible crash had occurred at the air race that day.  They cancelled the races for the day we were supposed to attend.  Not letting that get us down, we all packed up for Reno anyway.  We had a great time talking, going to the auto museum, visiting the planetarium, and going out to dinner.
     The third time I got to see Jessie, it was because of a conference in the fall of 2013.  It was to be one of my last trips since I was pregnant with Chickpea at the time.  I let her know I was headed her way again, and she was ready to welcome me with open arms.  Jessie, her husband, brother, and dad all came and picked me up at the hotel.  The first thing she asked to do was rub my belly to meet Chickpea.  She was so happy for us!  They took me to Off the Grid, which is where a bunch of food trucks gather in one location.  We had a blast going to different trucks and trying food.  One of the funniest moments was when we went to the bacon truck to get a piece of chocolate covered bacon for me to take home to my hubby.  Jessie wanted so badly for him to have it that she begged the truck workers to see if they had any left.  Sure enough they had one piece.  The funny part came when later she hugged one of the truck owners and thanked him for finding us the piece of bacon for her friend that was visiting all the way from Kansas.  Turns out it was the truck owner for a different truck!  It was so cute.  We laughed a lot and Jessie took it in stride.  You never know, maybe he needed a hug!  We got a picture in front of that bacon truck, and for the life of me I cannot find it.  It was also on this trip that she gave me this pin.

     I am just returning from the fourth visit I have made to see Jessie.  This trip was by far the hardest.  My friend spent 3.5 years fighting the wretched disease known as breast cancer.  Every visit that I took out there she was battling this disease, and every time I saw her she was smiling and doing everything she could to make my visit enjoyable.  She took the diagnosis as a reason to live every moment to its fullest.  She got her diving certification while on chemo treatments, and took a special trip to dive in the beautiful, warm waters.  She had a special road trip that involved meeting as many of her PW sisters as possible.
     It is so hard to realize that my fourth trip to see her was the last time I would get to see her.  She had been released from the hospital to hospice care.  She was going home to fight for as long as she could being comfortable, instead of having to deal with the horrible side effects of chemo treatments.  When I learned of this last week, I felt compelled to see her.  I booked my flights and hotel quickly.  It wasn't because I thought she was going quickly, but because I knew she needed love and support after having just lost her dad less than a week before getting the difficult news about her own health. 
     My travel out there was crazy to say the least.  I got diverted to Albuquerque, NM while trying to get to Phoenix because of the huge storms.  A night in NM, and I was travelling again Sunday morning to try to get to see her.  All this with Chickpea in tow!
     I got there with the help of her husband coming to get me from the closest place I could fly into, which was 70 miles away.  I spent Sunday afternoon and evening, as well as all day Monday with her and her family.  I could tell that she was fighting hard when I got there Sunday, yet she was still smiling and so glad to see us.  She got to hold Chickpea, which I am so glad for.  She was even apologizing to me for "being a mess."         
    

 

     Sunday she was not as alert, a lot of this had to do with the side effects of medications she was on to keep her comfortable.  At the end of the day I was getting ready to go back to the hotel for the evening.  I would be flying out the next day to come home.  I sat to tell her I was leaving and she said "oh honey," and again tried to apologize for being a mess.  I told her she was an inspiration to so many and that she is so strong.  She smiled.  I let her know that any time I don't think I have the strength to do something, I think of her.  I gave her hugs and kissed her forehead and told her to keep fighting.  I also let her know I'd be in touch. 

     I am so glad that I made it out to see her.  I never would have thought that the next morning when I was headed to the airport that I would be learning of her passing.  She always said that cancer would not beat her.  She was right, it didn't.  She fought to the last breath.  It may have taken her physically from us, but it never will beat her spirit and the impact that she has had on those around her.

     Because of her, I have been connected with her wonderful family and been able to meet several of the other police wives.

     I wear pink for her.  I wear the pin she gave me.  I also wear a smile for her.  Knowing that is what she always brought to me and so many others.  I won't let cancer take that either. 

     I love you Jessie, and you will always be in my heart.  I thank you for showing me what strength is and what living life to its fullest with no excuses is all about.  You are beautiful through and through.  You inspire me to continue to go after my dreams, and live my life to the fullest.  Once a sister, always a sister.

 

All the best,

OkieGal